Acceptance of Interdependence to Support Greater Independence
By Christa B. Flanagan, MEd
Support Specialist, Coaching Services
“Independence is touted as the gold standard of adulthood, and not often questioned as such. In fact, it’s unlikely that you’ve ever heard someone say, “I don’t want my child to become independent!” A quick internet search will return thousands of articles on how to teach your teen or adult child how to become independent, or live independently, along with checklists of all the skills they need to master prior to reaching that ultimate goal that marks them as a “true adult.”” [1]
It is my experience as a parent coach, that parental expectations for autonomy for their neurodivergent young adult are sometimes misaligned with their loved one’s developmental journey. Parental aspirations for financial autonomy, living independently, decision making, emotional self-sufficiency, and interpersonal relationships, may result in untimely pressure on their young neurodivergent adult, leading to conflict and heightened stress in the parent/child relationship. A strenuous relationship marked by conflict is frequently counter to an individual’s developmental growth and can adversely impact the process of gaining greater independence.
Instead, acceptance of an interdependent relationship, can create greater harmony in relating to their adult child and ease parental stress. This involves greater understanding of their loved one’s unique profile and focusing on accessing current strengths, interests, passions and needs. It may include helping their young adult find supported internships and independent living arrangements, mentorship or coaching programs, and communities/social groups that offer necessary assistance with challenges. Letting go of conventional milestones marking adulthood and making peace with the concept of interdependence can indeed be challenging for parents. The process of embracing an interdependent mindset often warrants getting support for themselves as well.
“Supporting the parents is crucial in creating a harmonious and nurturing environment for your Autistic family member. Extending support and understanding, and refraining from unsolicited advice and criticism, helps to open lines of communication where you can learn more about your Autistic relative and how to be helpful.“ [2]
Parents and other family members should consider support for themselves when they are feeling overwhelmed. Finding the right kind of help at the right time may lower anxiety, reduce stress in a partnership, improve family functioning, and impact the well-being of the individual. Support may include Parent Support Groups, where parents can find a community and learn from families in similar circumstances. Parent Coaching, one on one intensive sessions with a skilled coach, can help with problem solving, improving communication skills, and identifying practical strategies to address difficult topics. Parent coaching can help with finding greater acceptance with the notion of interdependence, which in turn, can create a novel feeling of balance and increased meaningful connection with the adult child. In many societies and cultures, interdependence among families is not only accepted, but expected. Independence may also look different at different life stages and under varying life circumstances. While striving for autonomy is essential, recognizing the value of support networks, seeking out parent support programming, and accepting an interdependence mindset can also be a pathway for growth, greater independence, and wellbeing for the loved one as well.
To learn more about Aspire's programming for parents and caregivers, follow this link.
References:
[1] https://www.stairwaytostem.org/families/interdependence-pillar/
[2] Kennan Cepa &Frank Furstenberg, Reaching Adulthood: Persistent Beliefs about the Importance and Timing of Adult Milestones, Journal of Family Issues, Jan 2021, Vol. 42, Issue 1.