Years ago, when divorce was far less common, it was somewhat unusual to live in a stepfamily. So most teens had few, if any, friends who lived under those circumstances.
Today, divorce is ubiquitous. At least half of all first marriages end in divorce. Remarriages have even worse statistics. About sixty percent of those also fall apart. So, it should not be surprising that large numbers of teens live in stepfamilies or families in which one or both of the adults have children from previous marriages or relationships.
When discussing stepfamilies, it is necessary to define several terms. Siblings are sisters and brothers with the same parents; stepsiblings are children who are related only because their parents married each other. On the other hand, half siblings share one parent; and a mutual child is a child of the remarried couple. Residential stepchildren spend the majority of their time living in the home of the remarried couple; non-residential stepchildren live in the household less than half of the time.
To make the stepfamily situation even more complicated, it is possible for teens to be members of two stepfamilies. After a divorce, if each parent remarries, then the teen is a member of both families.
Sometimes a teen will have a bedroom in each family home. Since this has the potential to be quite confusing, the teen will probably keep most possessions in the bedroom in the custodial home.
Some people contend that the word stepfamily has a negative connotation. Remember the term “wicked stepmother?” So they prefer to call such remarried families “blended families.” But stepfamilies do not blend. The children do not lose their individuality or connection to the non-custodial parent. Though the remarried couple may be very much in love and consider themselves to have formed the ideal union, it should not be assumed that the children would necessarily grow to care for one another or their stepparents. Parents who expect their children to blend effortlessly with the other children will soon be faced with a huge dose of reality. Almost always, such assumptions are doomed to failure. Rather than attempting to blend the group, parents should accept the reality of the situation and try to find ways to meet the individual needs of all the children. Over time, some stepsiblings develop affection for their stepsiblings and stepparents, but it should never be forced.
Teens who live with one or two stepfamilies are bound to experience a number of emotions. First and foremost, there is grief over their parents’ failed marriage or the death of one of their parents. It may have been necessary for the teen to move and/or to change schools. Without their friends, they may feel like an outsider in your new environment. The teen’s financial circumstances may have deteriorated and they may be required to help supplement the family’s income. All these changes may make an adolescent very angry. They may feel that life is less stable or that there are too many factors over which they have no control.
These feelings make it difficult for an adolescent to form friendships with his or her new stepparents and stepsiblings. Especially if one has been living in a single parent home for a considerable amount of time, a teen may resent any authoritative efforts from the stepparent. An adolescent may think what right does that person have to tell me what to do? The adolescent may well have been opposed to the marriage. Now that person is arrogantly assuming power. And, one may believe that the stepsiblings are treated better and given more money, material goods, and freedom. Though that is probably not the case. At least in the beginning of the new stepfamily, stepparents should be careful about how they assert themselves and how much they expect from their stepchildren. While there needs to be certain basic rules that all family members must follow, it is probably wrong for the stepparent to attempt to assume too much control or try to win the teen’s approval by becoming overly tolerant of misdeeds. Initially, discipline should come from the natural parent(s). As the family relationship becomes more relaxed, the stepparent can take on a greater role. Still, the stepparent should remember never to undermine the role of the parent.
It is quite normal for a teen to feel resentful. After all, the relationship with a teen’s parent pre-dates the relationship of the remarried couple by many years. One has memories that go back to the earliest days of childhood. The stepparent has no part in these recollections. To an adolescent, the new stepparent may feel like an outsider who is intruding into his or her life. Nevertheless, a teen should try not to direct a disproportionate amount of energy looking for faults in this person. One’s teenage years will be infinitely smoother if both the adolescent and stepparent are able to get along.
Even if the original other parent died or is uninvolved in your life; no one should attempt to erase that parent from a teen’s mind or memory. One could keep a photo on his or her dresser as well as talk frequently about that parent. A teen could also continue to acknowledge your love for that person. If that parent is still alive, an adolescent could try to maintain some level of communication. When there has been a difficult marriage followed by an acrimonious divorce, parents frequently talk against their former spouse. That is wrong. A teen’s parent or stepparent should not belittle that person in the presence of an adolescent child. That places the teen in a terrible, untenable position. One does not know whether to defend the person or keep quiet.
It is healthiest for teens if they are able to continue to have both parents actively involved in their lives. There are instances in which divorced parents have purchased nearby homes—just to make it easier on their children. But that is probably relatively uncommon.
Under the best of circumstances, the teen years are occasionally tough. Dealing with the end of parents’ marriage and the entrance of stepparents into a teen’s life has certainly added new, probably unwanted stress, into one’s life. But many teens have weathered these issues. One could be grateful. Suppose this happens to a young child. Adolescents are older and more resourceful than younger children and should have more independence. Adolescents should allow themselves, their stepparents and stepsiblings the extra time that is needed in order to learn to live together.
Related topics:
Counseling, divorce, independence and rebellion, separation anxiety
