Sometimes, families are formed in non-traditional ways. One of those methods is adoption. According to a National Adoption Clearing House report published in 2004, there were about 127,000 adoptions in the U.S. in 2001.
Just about everyone agrees that parents should tell children that they are adopted. Some experts suggest that children learn of the adoption at very young ages. Others contend that adoption is too complex for young children to comprehend. They advise waiting until a child is a little older. Like other topics that are sometimes difficult to approach, adoption is probably best presented slowly—a little at a time.
Only a small number of parents believe that children should not be told that they are adopted. They worry that the children will feel different—unlike other children. But if parents fail to inform a child about such a fundamental fact, there may be a terrible breach of trust. There is at least the possibility that the child could learn about the adoption from another source. After all, in all probability, other people—friends and family members – knew about it. To learn about an adoption from one of these people sends a dreadful message to a child. Was there something terribly wrong with the adoption? Are the parents ashamed of their child? If not, why was it necessary to keep it secret?
Generally, children who were adopted will want to discuss adoption with their parents. Such a dialogue should be encouraged. It has been found that children who talk about issues surrounding their adoption are healthier emotionally. Parents might even wish to initiate the discussion. They may say, “Would you like to talk about your adoption?” There are a wide variety of excellent books on the topic. These should be of use to parents and their children.
Parents and children should not deny the key impact that adoption has on the life of a child. After all, as children who are adopted mature, they become fully aware that that their birth parents chose to give them away. Since their biological parents—or at least a biological parent raises the vast majority of children, these children cannot help but question why their parents chose a different option. They may experience feelings of abandonment and rejection. Parents may suggest some of the reasons that birth parents would consider themselves unable to parent a child. Perhaps they were too young or lacked financial resources. At the same time, undue emphasis should not be placed on adoption. Yes, it was how your parent/child relationship was formed. But it should not be the overruling force in your lives.
By the time a child who is adopted becomes an adolescent, new issues emerge. All adolescents search for their own identities. They struggle to determine their role in their families, peer groups and the larger world. This process may be more challenging for the adopted teen, especially those who come from another country or culture or who physically appear quite different from their parents. It is quite natural to want to know specific details about birth parents. What did they look like? What were their interests? Did they have medical problems or important health issues?
During the inevitable teenage disagreements with their adoptive parents, teens tend to idealize their birth parents. Perhaps, they wonder, they would be more understanding. Since there would be a biological link, would they have more in common with them? Would there be fewer fights or confrontations over issues? These thoughts may lead to a desire to learn the identity of the birth parents and reconnect with them. While parents should acknowledge that is normal to have some level of interest in obtaining information about birth parents, if a teen, particularly a younger teen, becomes overly preoccupied with that issue, counseling with a mental health professional should be considered. Meeting with other teens who have been adopted or attending a support group for such teens may also be useful.
When discussing adoption and adolescence, it is important not to neglect those teens who give their babies up for adoption. Generally, the birth mother makes this choice. Why would she decide to relinquish her child? It is an incredibly difficult decision. Usually, the young woman has limited finances and is unable to support herself and a baby. Most likely, she has yet to complete her education and may not feel emotionally ready to parent.
A teen who gives up a child for adoption is considering what is best for the child and herself. She feels that adoption is the most responsible alternative, and she is convinced that an older more mature couple will be able to provide her child with a better life. There will be greater opportunities for education and travel. The teen also realizes that attempting to raise a child at such a young age may well limit her own life and career opportunities. She will be forced to assume the role of an adult before she is ready. Instead of attending college and socializing with her friends, all of her free time will be spent caring for her child.
Nevertheless, the birth mother may experience a profound sense of loss for the child. And it is not uncommon for her to continue to relive some of the painful feelings throughout her life on certain occasions, such as the child’s birthday.
Most U.S. adoptions are arranged by a private agency. But, there are also public agencies. Some states permit independent adoptions. In these, the pregnant mom works directly with the adoptive parents through an intermediary, such as an attorney. If an adolescent is considering placing her child for adoption, she may wish to ask the agency representative or intermediary some of the following questions:
· Will there be financial assistance for medical and legal costs?
· Will there be counseling during and after the pregnancy?
· Will the baby’s father be permitted to participate in the counseling?
· How much information on the adoptive family will be available?
There are two main types of adoption—open and closed. In an open adoption, the pregnant teen obtains information about the adoptive parents. She may even talk to them on the phone or meet them in person. Sometimes, contact is maintained even after the adoption. The exact details vary from adoption to adoption. On the other hand, in a closed adoption, there is no contact between the teen and the parents. The adoptive parents are given only basic background information—such as medical details—about the pregnant teen and birth father. Since the number of couples looking to adopt is far greater than the number of babies, a pregnant teen should have no trouble locating a couple who will agree to the type of adoption she would prefer.
Related topics:
Custody, foster homes, pregnancy, pregnancy termination, stepfamilies, unplanned pregnancy
