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There is nothing that can prepare you
for the words "your child has cancer." You
may feel afraid and overwhelmed. This
is a stressful time for you, your child,
and your entire family. Having to tell
your child that he or she has cancer
is one of the most difficult tasks you
might face. Remember, there is no one
right way to talk to your child. As a
parent, you know him or her best and
you will find the right words and the
right time.
Talking with Your Child About Their Diagnosis
Helping Siblings Cope
Helping Yourself Cope
Talking with Your Child
About Their Diagnosis
I've tried to protect my child from distressing
things, like television shows that are
violent. Now, I have to tell my child
that he has cancer. I know I have to
do it but I worry that my child will
be frightened. What should I do?
No matter what the age of your child,
parents often feel a need to protect
their child from painful information.
This is understandable. However, we have
learned that children often know they
have a serious illness, even when parents
and health care workers avoid discussing
this with them directly. Your child may
not feel well, or they are may be having
a lot of medical appointments. Without
information, your child may become nervous
and fearful. They may imagine that their
situation is even worse than it actually
is. For this reason, it is best to talk
with your child soon after learning their
diagnosis. Waiting many days or weeks
may add to their bewilderment and uncertainty.
I know I need to tell my daughter
about her brain tumor, but I'm not
sure how to do it best. How do I
know what to tell her? Is it ok to
stretch the truth a bit, so it doesn't
sound that bad?
Tell the truth. Answer your child's
questions and concerns honestly. Talk openly
from the beginning of their cancer treatment
so that your child will feel comfortable
asking questions and sharing feelings.
Provide
information based on your child's age and
emotional maturity. Younger children need
simple explanations about their cancer and
treatment. Young children need to be reminded
that the tests and medicines are there to
make them feel better. Older children may
want more detailed explanations and information.
What if my daughter doesn't want
to talk about her diagnosis?
Take your cues from your child. Some children
may want to discuss their cancer a great
deal, while others want to know very
little. Provide opportunities to talk,
but don't overwhelm your child with information
he/she may not want.
I'm worried that my son thinks
he got cancer because he has been
misbehaving a lot lately. I hope
he doesn't think this is his fault.
What should I tell him?
Reassure
your child that cancer is not his fault.
Younger children, and even older children,
may feel that they did something to cause
their cancer. Or they might believe the
cancer is a punishment. Tell them directly, "No
one knows why children get cancer, but it
is not because you did or did not do something."
As the mother, I think I should keep a
smile on my face and pretend that I'm
fine. But, I'm scared and nervous too.
Should I share this with my child?
Keep talking openly. You may be
concerned about sharing your feelings with
your child throughout their treatment. Yet,
children often are tuned in to how their
parents feel. Talk with your child. While
you may not want to burden your child
with your fears, sharing feelings with
your child gives them permission to be
open with you.
Is there anyone in the hospital who can
help me talk to my child?
Take advantage of the support of
health care professionals. Your child's doctor,
social worker, or nurse can help you
talk with your child about cancer. It
may be overwhelming to think about talking
with your child when you are dealing
with your own emotions. Your child's
health care professionals can both guide
you or talk with you and your child
together to discuss his/her disease and
treatment.
Helping Siblings Cope
How do I help my other children cope?
When a child has cancer, it is difficult
for everyone in the family. Healthy siblings
often have many feelings about their
brother or sister's illness. They can
be sad, frightened, or worried about
the diagnosis and the treatment. They
can feel jealous at all the attention
their brother or sister is receiving.
Or they might feel guilty that perhaps
they did something to cause their sibling's
disease. As the parent of a child with
cancer, it may be difficult to even think
about the emotional needs of all your children
when you are so busy with your sick child.
This is understandable.
What should I say to my other children?
Do I need to say anything? I know they
have heard about cancer on the news and
in school.
Tell them about the cancer and its treatment.
Be honest and straightforward with your
other children about their brother or
sister's cancer. Provide information
to the age and understanding of each
child. Your children need to hear about
the diagnosis from you! It is more frightening
to hear about cancer from another child
or adult at school. Give children the
chance to talk about their feelings.
It is important to know what they are
feeling, not just what you think they
are feeling.
My 8- year -old son wants to come
to the hospital with his sister.
Is this ok? I think it will just
scare him.
Involve them in their brother or sister's
treatment. Give your children the option
to come to the hospital when their brother
or sister is receiving treatment. This
will make the hospital less frightening.
It will also help your children learn
how to help their sibling.
My 5 -year- old daughter thinks
her brother got cancer because she
was mean to him. What should I tell
her?
Reassure your child. Younger children,
in particular, may feel that they are
responsible for their brother or sister's
cancer. Reassure them that they did not
do anything to cause the e cancer. Remind
them that cancer is not contagious and
they cannot catch it from their brother
or sister. Children need to hear this
repeated many times.
Is there anything I can do to
help my other children feel I haven't
forgotten about them?
Plan special time with your other children.
Spend time together with your other children
doing something they like. Attend a sports
event, have dinner together, or go see
a movie. You may want to spend time with
your other children together or individually.
Keep routines as normal as possible.
Help older children maintain their usual
school schedules and activities outside
of school. For younger children consistent
bath and bed routines are important.
My mother really wants to help out the
family. Is this such a good idea?
This is a good time in your life
to ask family members and friends to help.
Those who care about your family will want
to help. Suggest things such as taking
your child to an activity, attending
your child's sports game, or helping
with homework.
Helping Yourself Cope
How do I get through this?
You may feel like you are on an emotional
roller coaster. Some days you may feel
hopeful. Other days you may feel worried
or overwhelmed. This is normal.
Even when things are going well, parents
and the entire family have to adjust
in some ways. You may miss work or have
to make special child care arrangements
for other children. Your other children
may feel left out and need extra attention.
Parents often find the most time they
spend together is in the hospital with
their child or during medical appointments.
Just as you care for your child and your
other children, it is important to be
mindful of your own needs.
There is just too much to do. How can
I get everything done around the house
and still care for my children?
Let other people help you. Family,
friends, and neighbors may offer to help.
Even if you are not used to accepting help,
let others know what you need. Perhaps
people can help with household tasks,
childcare, or shopping. This wi will
be good for you, and for those who want
to be supportive.
I'm so confused. My family keeps giving
me advice, and then my friends tell me
the complete opposite. I don't know who
is right. How do I sort through all this
information?
Do not be influenced
by the advice of others. Family, friends,
or others may offer opinions about your
child's cancer and treatment. They may
know "someone
else" or have read something and offer
suggestions. Sometimes this is more confusing
than helpful. Talk with your child's
doctor, nurse or social worker. Ask questions.
Rely on those who are knowledgeable about
your child's cancer.
I know everyone is worried about my daughter,
but I am getting tired of the constant
phone calls and updates. Do you have
any suggestions on ways to keep everyone
up to date that won't stress me out?
Many friends and family may call. Repeated
phone calls and questions can be overwhelming
and tiring. Establish a method of communication
that puts you in control.
- Use the answering machine.
- Appoint someone as the spokesperson
to update others so that you don't
have to do it all.
- Determine what information you want
to share and with whom.
- Consider setting up a web page at
www.caringbridge.org. You
can post information about your child
is doing and receive messages from
family, friends, and well wishers
in your community
I need to do something to get
away from all this, but I feel guilty.
Is it ok to forget cancer for a little
while?
It is okay to have fun. Parents
can feel guilty if they enjoy themselves
during their child's cancer treatment. But,
it is important to take a break from
cancer, even if it is for a couple of
hours. You could go out to dinner, see
a movie, get a massage, spend a few hours
at the gym or take a walk. This will
be good for you and your child.
Do you have a list of websites,
books, and other resources on helping
kids cope?
Information Finder
on Helping Kids Cope
You may also be interested in
other topics:
Revised 2008
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